Is there a story for every 2022 Houston Texans opponent?

One of the best parts of the announced NFL schedule is getting feedback from the luminaries who will be playing and coaching in those games, as well as the seniors responsible for assembling the rosters. To that end, it was pretty funny last week to hear Texans general manager Nick Caserio and Texans head coach Lovie Smith separately talk about the excitement (or in Caserio’s case, lack thereof). surrounding the revealed timeline.

Here’s Caserio when asked about the schedule unveiling, during the Texans’ charity golf tournament on Monday last week:

Good grief, Nick. Do you also hate puppies and ice cream? Let’s bring the schedule reveal some life and hear Lovie Smith in the first 30 seconds of this video below talk about how much he LOVES the schedule reveal!

Lovie has another interesting comment towards the end of this video, where he says this: “Seventeen-game season, and we’ve got nine on the road this year. You can argue there’s some kind of weft background for everyone we play in. upcoming season.”

Now, as we established in the previous 100 words, Lovie is a generally positive person, so I would expect him to say that, but is it true? Is there a backstory for each of these teams the Texans play? Let’s lay out the backstory and even try to fabricate one where there might not be one (just to help establish Lovie’s upbeat narrative, if for no other reason). Here we are….

Week 1: Sun 9/11 vs COLTS
He’s a divisional rival who’s owned the Texans, both historically and just last season (combined score of 62-3 in two games). However, let’s add that Matt Ryan is the Colts’ new quarterback, and he notched the biggest lead in Super Bowl history at NRG Stadium in 2017, a 28-3 lead against the Patriots (who employed a NICK CASERIO at that time). weather)!

Week 2: Sun 9/18 at BRONCOS
The Broncos have played a big role in recent Texans history, having deployed Brock Osweiler just well enough to dupe the Texans into signing him to a huge contract in 2016 and then signing former Texas favorite Kareem Jackson in 2019. When Jackson returned to NRG Stadium, earning AFC Defensive Player of the Week honors. yuck.

Week 3: Sun 9/25 at BEARS
Lovie Smith returns to the city where he took the team to the Super Bowl in 2006. As Lovie mentions in the video above, he still owns a home in Chicago. Go Love!

Week 4: Sun 10/2 vs. CHARGERS
This is actually a revenge game for the Chargers! Yes, the Texans are involved in a revenge game where THEY are the target! Go figure. The Texans’ victory over the Chargers in Week 16 last season was ultimately the difference between the Chargers making and missing the playoffs. (SPOILER ALERT – they missed.)

Week 5: Sun 10/9 at JAGUARS
Another divisional rival, we’ve been thanking God every day for the past two seasons for the Jags. The Texans only won eight games in those two seasons, but 2020 and 2021 included a combined 4-0 record against the Jags. We will miss you, Urban Meyer.

Week 6: Sun 10/16 BYE
The only week the Texans aren’t underdogs this season — the bye week.

Week 7: Sun 10/23 at RAIDERS
Raiders games have included some of the weirdest things in recent years, including the Mexico City game where a fan kept firing a laser into Brock Osweiler’s eye, and the game in 2019 when Deshaun Watson received a kick in the eye while throwing a game-winning touchdown. . Basically, if you’re the Texans’ QB, protect your eyes! Davis Mills night wants to wear sports glasses!

Week 8: Sun 10/30 vs TITANS
It’s the Titans. They stole our football team. They stole Vince Young. Now they’re even wearing old Oilers uniforms at some point this season. We hate them. End of topic.

Week 9: Game 3/11 vs EAGLES
Week 10: Sun 11/13 at GIANTS
Week 11: Sun 11/20 vs COMMANDERS
It’s hard to come up with scenarios for NFC East teams (other than the Cowboys) because the Texans have only played these teams 15 times in their history. If we’re looking for reasons to hate every team, here we go – the Eagles are in the same city as James Harden, the Giants are in the same city as Gerrit Cole, and the Commanders are in the same city as [fill in name of random politician here]. (NOTE: I’ll let you decide which politician YOU hate. It’s not my comfort zone.)

Week 12: Sun 27/11 at DAUPHINS
For a team they’ve played infrequently in recent years (only four times since 2012), the Texans are inextricably tied to the Dolphins in some ways, the most tangible being the Laremy Tunsil trade, where Bill O’Brien sent fortune in draft picks for Pro Bowl left tackle. The other, most recent, tie between the teams was the near completion of a trade with Deshaun Watson at the trade deadline last season. We now know how it happened. Hey, talk about the devil…..

Week 13: Sun 12/4 vs BROWNS
….again, no backstory fabrication is needed here. Please jerk off by Deshaun Watson.

Week 14: Sun 12/11 at COWBOYS
If you’re a Houstonian who needs to fabricate backstory for a game against a Dallas team, you probably don’t have a soul. Let’s keep moving.

Week 15: Sun 12/18 vs CHIEFS
You could say the beginning of the Texans’ demise in the dilapidated state that Nick Caserio is currently trying to fix began in the 2019 playoffs, when the Texans lost a 24-0 first-half lead at the HALFTIME of this Divisional Round playoff game. Sore.

Week 16: Sat 12/24 at TITANS
Week 17: Sun 1/1 vs JAGUARS
Week 18: Sat 1/7 or Sun 1/8 at COLTS
And finally, we conveniently return to the three division opponents to close out the season, so just rewind those stories from earlier in this post.

I rate the “heat level” of Lovie Smith’s hot plug —- “You can argue that there is some kind of special backstory for everyone we face this coming season” — the equivalent of a late April night out in Houston. It is very dry with temperatures in the 60s.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. weekdays. Also follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/SeanTPendergast and like him on Facebook at facebook.com/SeanTPendergast.

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