My laptop died last week. My laptop couldn’t die when I was in the office, with competent technicians nearby. Oh no. My laptop lost its will to live while I was thousands of miles away in a country whose language I don’t speak. So I couldn’t access my Savage Love email – which is a problem, because no questions means no column. So I issued an SOS on Instagram, asking my followers to send me their quick and dirty questions. I wrote my answers on my phone…which I dropped at one point, smashing the screen, BECAUSE I DID IT. So my laptop is dead, my phone is broken and my thumbs are bloody. But I chronicled this week with the help of my followers on Instagram. Thanks gang. —Dan
In the mountaineering community, there is a backlash against a route at a particular climbing site named Gangbang. Critics say it is a non-consensual sex act. Your thoughts?
The missionary position without consent is not sex, it is rape; A consensual gangbang isn’t rape, it’s sex. That said, most portrayals of gangbangs in movies, pornography, literature, etc. depict non-consensual scenarios with women as victims, and it’s understandable why some would want the name of this road changed. So change it.
What do you do when you’ve told someone who’s supposed to be a friend to stop making sexual comments but they keep saying sexual things?
You realize that this person is not a friend and go out with your real friends instead.
UK fag here. (I mean, a cis gay guy in his thirties in the UK) I live in Germany. My question: You had a British caller living in the US on the Savage Lovecast a few episodes ago and he said his accent alone was unbuckling the belts there. Is it true? Germans don’t find my accent sexy. But if I moved to the United States, would I drown in dick?
The dick is a solid (ideally), not a liquid (although with a strong enough mixer anything is possible), so you would choke on the dick here, not drown in it. And, yes, a British accent is a plus in the US – because unlike Europeans, Americans don’t have to put up with crowds of English tourists hopping on cheap flights, terrorizing our city centers with their funerals life of boy/boy drunk and throwing up at our doors.
How can I tell my friends and family I’m poly now?
Use your words.
The best way to tell your husband that his armpits have started to smell? (He’s never needed deodorant before!)
Use your words!
How do I gently tell my boyfriend that he needs to brush his teeth more often? He is very sensitive to this kind of feedback, but I don’t want him to have bad breath in a work meeting!
USE YOUR WORDS! When my breath stinks or I need to take a shower or use deodorant, I’m grateful when my partner says something to me, because I’m an adult. If your partner can’t handle these kinds of comments, you have to wonder why you’re wasting your time with someone who isn’t an adult.
I am a 40 year old woman. I was sexting with a guy (29) who started sending me nude/sex photos (including face shots) of another woman he had been with, without her consent. He thought it was sexy, but I was gross. Teach-in time or trash?
If you ghost him, he’s likely to assume that the photos he shared (and the massive breach of consent they represent) weren’t the problem or even a problem. He needs to know. So teach then trash.
Can you please explain the difference between transgender and transsexual? Many arguments occur online about the semantics of these fundamental definitions, so some clarity would be appreciated. Thanks!
Definitions and redefinitions come to us so quickly these days – not to mention the redefinition of old definitions as hate speech – that it’s pointless trying to answer that question. Because by the time this column is published, chances are that everything I write today will be out of date and/or a voidable infringement. But as far as I know right now…all trans people are transgender but not all trans people are trans. I hope that clarifies things.
Do you think we will continue to see significant changes in self-labeling of sexual orientation in the future?
Going forward, everyone will have their own niche sexual orientation for 15 minutes — and their own neo-pronoun and pride flag. And it’s going to be even more confusing than today, and everyone’s going to get each other’s orientations and pronouns and flags wrong all the time, and absolutely everyone’s going to be mad at absolutely everyone, all the time. The oceans will rise and the planet will bake and we’ll wonder if “cake” can be a pronoun as the meteor hurtles towards earth.
How long does the buttocks really shower?
“You can shower all the buttocks once in a while, and some of the buttocks all the time, but you can’t shower all the buttocks all the time.” -Abraham Lincoln
Would you marry me?
I won’t – although I’m sure you’re adorable, I already have a husband and a boyfriend in the dick circle. (It’s a baseball pun just for my older brother. Hi, Billy!)
My SO is good friends with a number of their exes. I know it’s probably a good sign that they’re mature, but it makes me jealous and paranoid. How to overcome this?
Keep telling yourself that being friends with exes is a good sign for your SO, then take that thought to its logical conclusion: being jealous and paranoid that you’re currently friends with his exes is a bad sign for you. – not a fatal sign for you. this relationship, but definitely something you should sort out with a shrink.
I am that rare thing: the woman of a minute. How to delay orgasms?
Every time this topic comes up, someone recommends low-dose SSRIs. Ask your doctor if they are right for you.
I’m on antidepressants and my libido has been ZAPPED! How do you think about sexy times when you don’t feel sexy?
Talk to your doctor about adjusting your medications – this is the first step. While you’re working to find the right dosage, for example, the dosage that alleviates your depression without killing your libido, a little brainstorming with your partner will keep you in the groove and may even help you catch a beat.
At what age would you advise me to refer my teenager to your column and your podcast?
I think 15-16 is a good age to start reading and listening – but if you really want your teenager to read my column and listen to my podcast, don’t direct them to Savage Love and the Savage Lovecast. Forbid them to listen and read!
We’re moving into a new house next month and can’t wait to make new sexual memories. If you moved to a new place, what would be your first sexual act to break into the new place and in which room? We can’t decide where to start.
For me, it would be a coin toss between the conservatory with the chandelier and the library with the lead pipe.
Raising young children during the pandemic hasn’t resulted in many sexy moments in my marriage. How to find the sexy? So far exercise and time apart seem to be helping. Other ideas?
Exercise and time apart will definitely help. An additional suggestion: Spend time together in a place (bar, club, party) where people regularly flirt with strangers. The goal is not to go home with someone else or to bring someone home together, but to see your spouse through the eyes of others. Seeing someone who wants to fuck your spouse will remind you of all the reasons you wanted to fuck your spouse…
Fun things to do with balls? Sucking them, caressing them… what else is there? I’m afraid my testicular game is getting stale.
Pressure – gentle at first – can be enjoyable, so add pressure and traction to your game. (Pulling doesn’t mean pulling! Pulling is not recommended!)
The husband recently discovered that he likes to be punched in the balls. How to do it safely?
Punching and kicking – more fun things to do with balls. But when it comes to balls and impact play, a little impact goes a long way. Bullets can break and break, and the risk of really hurting cannot be eliminated. So you’ll want to pull those punches and make those kicks more symbolic than powerful.
The most important thing to remember when starting a new relationship?
New relationships rarely “work out”, in the sense of “working together” for the rest of your life. And while LTRs are great, and while LTRs are what most (but not all) people are looking for, STRs – short-term relationships – are what we usually get. We’re more likely to feel good about them, we’re more likely to look back on them and consider them great, if we don’t consider them failed LTRs but successful STRs.
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